Motherhood blessed me on so many levels. It was a catalyst for growth and self-awareness and it introduced me to my own strength. Now, I love my girl more than words can say and I don’t feel I need to justify that because of the title of this post. So, let me make this clear, I don’t hate being a Mother. I hate being a stay at home mother (SAHM).
Being a SAHM was never something that I pictured myself being. Apart from getting an undergrad and graduate degree, the idea of “getting a job” was drilled into my head to the point of no return. I had it mapped completely out and besides the typical wait that comes when you apply for a job, I never guessed anything else would take place.
But the way my Universe is set up, mind fucking Brittney has to be a favorite pastime.
Little Saige was born and by the time she was 3 months we were moving in with her dad. It was a huge adjustment but one I yearned for. I started applying for jobs immediately. I was more than thrilled to transition from being a daughter to a mother. I needed to prove to myself and others that I could be independent and provide for me and my family and I critically needed control. This was the one thing I felt I had in the bag.
That was the first lesson that the Universe taught me. She politely and directly said, “Brittney you don’t control shit”.
Months pass and I received no call backs, no scheduling for interviews and no idea of what direction to take. Me and Saige had developed our little routine and after about 5 months without the job I hoped for, I begin to settle into the fact that I was indeed a SAHM.
Everything that I’d seen about SAHM’s up until that point seemed glamorous, fun, and dreamy. But my reality was nothing like that. Me and my fiance were not rich and this was not a luxury for me.
I tried to convince myself that it was ok and temporary as I went about my days learning how to handle a house hold. Saige went from laying on her tummy to walking it seemed, and as no prospects called I felt like I was losing control over everything. Chores were being overlooked, I was getting sick often, getting out of bed later, and my once quiet child was running me ragged.
I was proving nothing to myself and everything to who I most wanted to prove wrong.
It started to dawn on me that I had to be put on this earth to be more than a mommy. Because I damn sure didn’t feel fulfilled. I was entirely depressed and I felt so guilty about it. Women expressed how “lucky,” they thought I was all the time. The bills are paid, I get to stay home with my child and I have the nerve to be unhappy?
It wasn’t until I started to look for ways to bring in money that things started to look up. I begin to really dig into my gifts and wonder if I could somehow monetize them. I found solace in Facebook groups and begin to live in them. Before I got pregnant I thought scarcely about entrepreneurship but being in this situation has created in me a drive that just does not stop.
It was brought to my attention that if I had been working a full-time job with benefits I probably would not have pursued this route. So I truly believe that this was all in the divine purpose.
That Universe is a Sneaky Sonnama-b*%#$
Now that my days are spent working on my projects I feel like I have found my purpose. It’s so revealing because the feeling I get working on my projects is the feeling I thought I would get from being home with my daughter. A lot of you might judge me. And excuse the teeny bit of feminist coming out of me but I have to say, Ladies, we were not put on this earth to JUST be mothers. This experience has revealed that to me and so much more.
Being a SAHM is not for everyone. It damn sure isn’t for me. But now I’m not just a SAHM. I’m a mom, with a vision and an understanding that I was put here to change others’ lives. I have more to offer then cleaning up a house, being a mommy, and a wife. There is so much more for me outside of the scope of even getting a full-time job with benefits! Because the truth is, I am REALLY taking control of my situation and not putting control into someone else’s hands (clearly, I have an issue with control lol).
I’m still applying for jobs, but with more intentionality. Not with the thought that this job will be the “end all, say all”. This job will be a stepping stone for me(if it ever comes) and if it never comes that will be fine too. Either way, I’m going to make some shit work. I’m going to prove my independence in a way far bigger than I ever imagined. And it’s all in my hands.
These Are the Lovely Lessons.