I Tried Faking it Until You Make it and it was Exhausting.

I am exhausted with having faith. Like literally, tired to my very soul, sick with waiting for my day. I’ve practiced and implemented every positive mind changing activity you could think of. But the reality is, MY reality is that even though I’m grateful for my life. I’m tired and I’m angry.

If you are a regular visitor of The Lovely Lessons then I’m sure you’ve noticed the tone has changed. And that’s because the Entire blog from the get go was never me. This is really me, and even though you still may get the occasional uplifting, rah, rah, “you can do it!” type of posts I can go ahead and inform you that those days are mostly gone. You see, what you received from The Lovely Lessons prior was a facade. It was what I thought I should be giving you. After so much research about creating a successful (paying) blog and continually seeing, “You need to offer useful advice”. I took it and ran with it.

I mean I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling, “I’m qualified to give advice, right? Of course, I am.

Living in a social media world where every mom is a coach, and every two of your new friend requests are “social media strategist”, I figured why not? I’ll just study these perfectly polished accounts and mimic them to gain a few dollars or so. Because maybe pretending I have it all together is better than acknowledging the growing despair I have building up inside. It must be better than the same everyday routine, dishes that never end continued unanswered job applications, and a growing tummy pudge.

I was losing myself fast in the social media world, in the desperation to make some money to fill the hole of independence. You see. I never thought I would be in this position for longer than a few months, and the months turned into a year. And as the time grew so did my anxiety and my depression. But I kept it to myself because that didn’t fit the image of an entrepreneur, and if my potential clients knew that I was so scattered brained that I couldn’t follow a simple to-do list then they would never hire me.

And guess what, they never did anyway.

Nothing I was doing was aligned. Every quote I posted, every caption I took thirty minutes to think up and write, every blog post I created, even though they were all well attended was not me or my brand.  I grew tired of having faith, and I grew tired of “faking it until you make it”.

One day I was feeling exceptionally defeated and I did what I always do when I feel that way. I wrote. But not in my journal, or phone notes like usual. I went to a Facebook entrepreneur group I had joined recently. The group gave me a different kind of vibe, it seemed more real, less forced and I could feel myself growing more and more comfortable as I quietly observed never once posting. But this day I needed to post.

 I needed validation. I needed to know that I was not crazy, and I wasn’t the only that feels the pressure of a thousand nails on my back constantly.

My fingers could not pluck every word out fast enough. I told everything, being broke, being fake, having anxious energy constantly, etc. I felt the needle plank ease off my back a little when I finished typing the last word. And then it dropped right back down once I hit submit.

Waiting for responses to what felt like admitting to murder was like plucking eyebrows.

And then the responses started coming in. “I feel the same way”, ”Thank you for sharing”, “thank you for being a voice for us”.  I couldn’t believe what I was reading a first and for the first time in a very long time, I felt perfectly normal. I never thought I would be so happy to feel “normal”.

So, I’m rebranding The Lovely Lessons, because I’m rebranding me. I’m not trying to be anything more than me right now. And if all I have to give is words then that’s fine.

Giving myself space to really experience my anxious energy instead of repressing it has brought forth a few projects that really speak to who I am. The days are still very long, with a crying toddler, unfinished chores, doubt, and fear. And I’m ok with that. I know that my purpose would not speak to me If I didn’t allow myself to experience and feel exactly what I feel right now.

So yes, I’m tired of having faith, I’m scared as hell of what is to come (or not come) and I do harbor a little anger that life has not gone the way I intended EVEN THOUGH I followed what seemed to be the perfect script. But I’m just allowing myself to feel all of that.

Because no matter how exhausted I am I can’t allow myself to believe that all my work will go unnoticed, that my gift won’t create something for me and that I will struggle forever. There are a tribe of people who will feel this wholeheartedly and if all I have is my words than I’m going to write until I can’t anymore and see what comes of it.

These are The Lovely Lessons.

 

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